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Question- I come from an urban, upper middle class background. I am 39 years old and I am an IIT graduate. Now my wife, she has studied with me in IIT Kharagpur. We both live in Bengaluru and work in a science research firm. Before marriage, we were in a relationship for 7 years and were very happy. We often used to go for hiking and adventure. We liked each other’s company. I used to think that this feeling of happiness would always be like this. But now after five years of marriage, it seems that everything has changed. Now we are not excited about doing something new as before. Barely go for a walk somewhere a year. EquiMasi among us has also become routine and boring. It is not that I do not love my wife, but now I often fantaseize about other women. By doing this, you also feel gilt. I never cheated with my wife, but could not control my fantasies. It is also affecting Mental Health. How do I control my mind not to come to such a thought. Please help me.
Expert – Dr. Drona Sharma, Consultant Psychiatrist, Ireland, UK. Members of the UK, Irish and Gibraltar Medical Council.
answer- The way you have articulated your question, it seems that you are able to see things to a great extent. But here you also need an expert help.
First marriage relationship
When the relationship starts before marriage, it has a kind of novelty and freedom. Two people are knowing each other. They have a lot of new to discover. Talking chemically, the level of dopamine is also very high in that phase of the relationship. This hormone also has a major contribution in feeling excitement and joy. Walking together, adventure. All these things increase emotional and sexual intercasis.
Change of relationships after marriage
The thing that changes the most after marriage is the increase in responsibilities and the decrease of spontaneity. Two people have lost each other so well that everything becomes predictable. There is no newness. Sexual relationship thrills and excitements change into permanent safety and comfort. Dopamine decreases and increases the level of oxytocin and vasopressin hormone.
Couples stop doing adventure and investment together to maintain newness and excitement in the relationship. In such a situation, a kind of monotony is born.
Sexual Fantasies: Are they normal?
Your question is telling that you have a gilt in your mind with your sexual fantasies. Your subconscious brain misunderstands it. So let’s first try to decode it.
The most important and important here is to understand that sexual fantasies are a very natural part of the sexual world of humans. According to a study by American psychologist Justin Lamiller, about 90% of people living in a committed relationship do sexual fantasies. This includes both women and men. But it is most important to understand here that sexual fantasies do not mean that you are not happy in your relationship or want to cheat. People playing with full honesty can also do sexual fantasies.
Sexual fantasies’ level-Rifi-S Test
Sometimes such fantasies are absolutely normal and healthy. But on the other hand, their level also tells that your relationship is not going through any difficult period. For this, a Rifi-S (Relationship Intement and Fantasy Impact Scale) is done. This test gives us an idea of the level and seriousness of the situation.
I would advise you to do this test once. Thinking honestly, answer the questions given in graphic below. There are 10 questions in graphic. You have to rate these questions on a scale from 1 to 5. 1 means that you are strong disagree and 5 means strong agree. The interpretation of the score is also given in the graphic.
Sexual fantasies
Sexual fantasies are not always a sign of harmful or danger. Many studies of human behavior and psychology show that sexual fantasies also have benefits. These increase the sexual desire and help to maintain the Libido for a long time in the long term relationship.
Man’s mind and its sexual behavior are not tied in any groove. If there is no diversity and imagination in it, then it will be very routine, narrow and boring. It is the nature of a human being that he always finds something new. Sexual fantasies bring a kind of newness.
You are not the first and the only one, which is doing sexual fantasies. These fantasies are very common in all societies and cultures. All humans experience this. The problem is that there is never talk about it in our society. Therefore, when such fantasies come to mind, people start feeling shame and guilt. Gilt is born with this wrong thinking that “Such thought means that you are doing this.” While this is not true.
Self help plan
To improve the Real Life Relationship, here I am offering a self -help plan. The level of your sexual fantasies is normal or outside the danger mark, it is dependent on the score of your self assessment test. This plan can be effective for anyone who wants to improve their relationship.
First week: think and accept
- Note your fantasies in a diary. Consider what fantasies that fantasies point to your needs. Such as validation, domination or feeling designed yourself.
- Identify which of it is missing in your real life relationship. Such as playfulness, emotional connect or spontinity. Try to fill that deficiency.
- Keep revisiting the old memory of relationships. Such as old photos, videos, travel stories.
Second week: Work on physical and emotional intercasis
- Do not take the personal intemacy to the teachn for grant. Take out time for him and try. Spending some time with simple touch, eye contact or each other also increases closely.
- Ask questions about the wishes of the partner. Like “What is there that we have not done for a long time, which you miss?”
- Break the routine. Try to do something new adventure at every short interval. Such as traveling or any adventure sports, which both like.
Third week: exploring your fantasies
- You can try to explore your fantasies by making them feel safe together with the partner.
- Remember, your language and method should be very soft, love filled, so that the partner feels safe. Like saying, “I was reading that many times partners get caught in boring routine. What do you think, how can we make our life more exciting and fun.”
- You can also start talking on shared fantasies through stories or books.
- Plan a relationship reset day. Any other work that day, no screen time. Spend time with each other.
Check your Rifi-S score a few days after doing all this. If you do not feel any improvement, then go for couple therapy.
Is it okay to share sexual fantasies with partner?
There can be no ultimate answer to this question. It depends on the maturity and mutual understanding of both partners. It would not always be appropriate to do so. If fantasies are about mutual friends, cooligs or a person who knows your partner, then it is not right to share. Doing so can create a sense of insecurity, jealousy and anger.
Sexual fantasies should be shared only when there is a very deep emotional security in the relationship, mutual consent and both partners are eager to talk about it, eager to know about it and prepared mental -motionally.
Is it okay to keep your sexual fantasies secret?
Yes of course. Every person also has a private psychological space. It is absolutely reasonable to maintain the privacy of that space and not share it with a partner, but it also has some conditions. Such as-
- Private fantasies are not affecting your real life relationship.
- Fantasies are not harassing you mentally -emotionally.
- Because of this, distances are not coming in the Real Life relationship.
- Because of this, reel life intemsy is not being affected.
- Rail life relationship is normal and healthy.
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