2 hours agoAuthor: Shivakant Shukla
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Question- I am from Ahmedabad and my son is 10 years old. He has been good in studies from the beginning. We are very proud of him, but now one of his habit has started to cause concern. Actually, he has to come first in class every time and if a number comes less then it breaks. This time when he came second in class, he stopped eating and drinking. Closed myself in the room, cried throughout the day and was badly saying ‘I have spoiled everything’, ‘I am loser’.
We explained to him that this is not the end of life. But he did not understand any of our arguments and was upset for a long time. His thinking is scaring us inside. We are not pressurizing him to win every time or unknowingly? We are afraid that if this mindset persists, then it can affect its mental health later. How do I explain it to him? Please guide.
Expert: Dr. Amita Shringi, Psychologist, Family and Child Counselor, Jaipur
answer- I can understand your concern. In today’s time, many parents are facing a similar challenge. Your son is good in studies, it reflects his hard work and dedication.
But every time the first arrival becomes a need or stubbornness for the child and the fear behind him is that ‘if I cannot top, my value will be reduced’, then this situation can be worrying. This indicates perfectionism, where the child starts having impossible expectations from himself and even small failure breaks it emotionally.
In such a situation, the question is not only about the thinking of the child, but also the environment around it. Somewhere, the parents also promote this mindset in unknowingly and unknowingly. Therefore, it is necessary to introspect the parents before removing the child from this condition. For this, first ask yourself these 10 questions honestly …
The purpose of asking these questions is that parents themselves should understand what kind of expectations or pressure they can create on their child. Sometimes our ‘intention to want the best’ can also give a message in the child’s mind that it is accepted only when it is at the forefront. Overall, if many of these questions are answered ‘yes’, then it means that you need to bring a little change in your perspective.
Bring the child out of perfectionism
The age of 10 is the time when the child starts making his mark. The basis of how he sees himself starts being prepared from here. In such a situation, if his identity starts connecting only with the results, then even the small failure may seem like a personal defeat for him. He starts thinking that ‘I am useless if I do not come first. My value is over ‘. This thinking can gradually create hatred in the child.
It is important to understand here that your son is only 10 years old. Right now his brain is developing. Right now the ability to process emotions and accept failures has not been fully developed.
Therefore, the role of parents becomes very important here. In such a situation, you have to pay attention not only to his success, but also deeply to understand his thinking, fear and self-value. In such a situation, you can adopt some ways to get the child out of the thinking of this perfectionism.
Change the method of praise, thinking will affect
While praising the child, instead of focusing only on number or results, appreciate his hard work, honesty, constant effort and curiosity to learn. This will give the child a message that his effort and learning process is most important, not only the result. Such praise strengthens the child’s confidence and develops growth mindset instead of perfection.
Break the insistence of becoming ‘perfect’
It is important to explain to the child that human beings develop with mistakes and experiences and not only by victory. Every defeat or lack is an important lesson in the path of success. You tell him the stories of such great people who despite being average in studies, made their own identity in the world. Such as Albert Einstein and Bill Gates.
Review your conversation
Sometimes we unknowingly say such things, which leave a deep impact in the minds of children. Like, ‘This time should come first,’ or ‘How did that child go beyond you’? These small sentences can give rise to comparison, pressure and self-doubt within the child. So make the language of your interaction cooperative. Instead of comparison, give importance to the child’s effort, emotion and curiosity.
Teach to accept failure
It will take time for the child to understand that due to low number or two, his importance does not diminish. But if you give him this message again and again, then he will slowly see failure like a learning.
For this, you can share any of your old mistake or failure experience. Tell him how you learned something from him and proceeded. This will make the child feel that it is normal to make mistakes, and he is not alone.
Give him a chance to speak openly
When the child is struggling with any fear, anger or stress, it is important that he can say his heart to you. Sometimes he is just looking to be heard and not advised. At such a time, listen to it without interrupting, do not speak in between. Take his words seriously, even if they feel small.
Many times parents make some mistakes in unknowingly, which affects the child.
Keep these things in mind
Apart from this, keep some other things in mind. Such as-
- Take some time for outdoor or indoor games with the child daily.
- Encouraged to participate in activities like music, dance, drama or painting.
- Let him play with friends. Playing in the group increases social confidence.
- Sometimes take it to places like park, museum or book fair.
- Keep observing the behavior and emotions of the child continuously. See what he feels like. Encourage him for that work.
Take help of counselor if needed
If the situation is not good, then do not hesitate to seek the help of a child psychologist. Sometimes things are quickly handled by the guidance of a professional.
In the end, I will say that your son needs love and support, not the result. Tell him that you accept it in any case, whether it comes first or not. This trust will make him mentally strong.
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