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Question: I live in Noida, I am 28 years old. I do a corporate job and have been in a relationship for 2 years. Me and my boyfriend worked together in the previous company. At first we became friends and later everything turned into love.
A year ago I switched a job and came to another company. When my boyfriend got promotion in the previous company itself, he stopped. As long as we were working together, everything was going well. Now since I came to another company, her positive behavior is bothering me.
He is angry at meeting my friends of this office, comments between things about my dressing and want to know where I am. He also has a problem with my departure to my office parties. At first I used to think that it is caring, but now I feel suffocated. How do I decide whether it is love or controlling relationship? What should I do?
Expert: Jaya Sukul, Clinical Psychologist, Delhi
answer: First of all, understand that what you feel is perfect and normal. At the age of 28, when a career, friend and their own freedom in life is trying to balance everything, such a positiveness in the relationship can really cause suffocation. You told that initially you used to worry about the boyfriend asking the location at all times, commenting on the dressing and getting angry at meeting friends. But now all this looks like a bond, as if you are not able to live your life. This feeling comes to many girls, and the good thing is that you are recognizing it. Let us consider this problem as step-by-step and see whether it is love or control and what should be done.
Understand the difference between love and positiveness
Love and positiveness often look alike, but actually these are two different things. Love is the one who gives you the freedom to fly, while the positiveness is the one who tries to close you in a cage.
If the boyfriend wants to know where you are or comments on dressing. It may take care initially, but if it is making you uncomfortable. Actually, it is coming from insecurity and not with true love. In such relationships, the partner has more insufficiency, which they impose on the other. This gradually becomes toxic and affects your mental health, such as irritability, stress or doubt on yourself. See the difference between love and positiveness-
Why is it necessary in the relationship?
The foundation of a healthy relationship is equal. Meaning both partners give equal respect to each other, value each other’s likes and dislikes. If your boyfriend comments on your dressing not to wear it, we wear it, then he is ignoring your personal choice. This is not equal, but dominance. This is even more important for women because society already tells us how we should live. Remember, your identity is made by your elections. Clothes, friends, career everything. A true partner supports you, not try to change you. If the relationship is making you feel more weak or dependent than before, then it is not healthy. Studies show that women often lose their identity in controlling relationships, and it can take up to depression.
Red flags of controlling relationship
Now let’s talk about those signs that show that your relationship is being controlled. These small things are initially ignored, but later become a big problem. If your boyfriend is angry at meeting friends, then it is his jealousy or doubt. Or asking the location all the time, it shows the lack of trust. This is an attempt to control your body and choice.
It can also indicate that he makes you gilt feel that you are not doing this for me. Ignore your decisions or tries to separate you from family-friends. If this pattern is constant, then it is not love, but manipulation. I have seen many clients that get stuck in a situation and find it difficult to get out, but the first step is to identify it.
Ask yourself these questions
Sometimes answers are hidden inside us, just need to be taken out. Ask yourself honestly: Do I feel free in this relationship? Does my dressing, friend or career choice respect? Can I say my point without fear? If most of the answers are ‘no’, then it is control. This question will give you clearness. Remember, love makes you strong, not weak.
What do we do now?
- First, talk openly. Tell your boyfriend that I like your worry, but asking the location or comment on dressing all the time is making me uncomfortable. This conversation can improve the relationship, if it understands. But if he becomes defensive or does not bring change, then move forward.
- Second, set the boundary. Say clearly that “I want my space. I will meet friends, and it’s normal.” Boundary keeps the relationship healthy.
- Third, keep your support system strong. Talk to friends and family, they will give you objective advice. Controlling partners often try to separate you, but do not let it happen.
- Fourth, take professional help if necessary. Talk to a counselor or psychologist. Couple therapy can improve the relationship.
- If nothing improves, make a distance or consider a breakup. It will look difficult, but your happiness and freedom is at the top. Such relationships come and go in life, but should always be respected.
Breakup or not?
This decision is yours, but if the positiveness is increasing and you are getting fear or gilt feeling, then it is better to get out. Love never scares. Many women ruin for years by getting stuck in such relationships, but after exit, they feel more strong and happy. Remember, you are not alone. Many people go through it and go out.
Finally give yourself priority
Real love keeps you free, not binds in bondage. You are a woman who runs her own life, do not lose her with someone’s positiveness. If the relationship is suffocation to you, then dare to improve or leave it. Your happiness is the most precious. If you feel that it is love, then see what he brings change. Otherwise, a better relationship is waiting, where there is equality, trust and happiness. Have courage, everything will be fine.
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