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Question- I am 49 years old. I was in a live -in relationship for the last 15 years. We were both associated with the film line and used to work freelance. We stayed together for 15 years, but never got married. It was not mine even to not marry. My partner was not sure in marriage. He used to say that it is an ancient and feudal organization. We are not tied to any institution but because we want to live together. In 15 years, I had become so used to her, that house, relationship and life that I felt like a husband and wife.
And then suddenly one day that relationship broke. After 15 years, he told me that we can no longer live together. He is separating. No reason was given, no clarification was given. Since we had never got married, there was no legal screw. The house was rental. He left and I left Mumbai at the age of 49 and came to Jamshedpur to my parents. I have been in depression for the last one year. How can anyone leave this after a 15 -year relationship. Didn’t it become responsible for him? How can I explain myself, what should I do to make the mind a little rest.
Expert – Dr. Drona Sharma, Consultant Psychiatrist, Ireland, UK. Members of the UK, Irish and Gibraltar Medical Council.
Thank you for your question. First of all, I want to accept that the pain you are going through is very deep and true. Sharing a house and life with a person for 15 years is not just a relationship, but it becomes an integral part of your life and identity. Suddenly a long relationship is not easy to break like this. That too when you do not know the reason for it. If there is no concrete clarification and expansion, it is even more difficult to accept it. Along with this, live these relationships in Indian society have more great matters. Social, Leagley and Emotionally This is very different from marriage.
Here I will try to address your concen one by one, which will also have practical suggestions along with professional assessment. At the same time, we will also talk about self -help on how to move forward in life, saving our self -estimated.
Clinical understanding of case
As you have mentioned in your question that you have been struggling with sorrow, despair and depression for the last one year after the breakup. All these are signs of adjustment disorder, mainly depressive symptoms. The main reasons for this are as follows-
- The largest and major distribution here is the breakup and return to Jamshedpur and returned to Jamshedpur.
- These symptoms appear within a few weeks of the breakup.
- Your emotional grief is much deeper than the normal breakup.
- This sorrow is affecting your everyday life and basic function.
But the symptoms seen in this case are not Major Depressive episode. And the reasons for that are-
- Your stress is directly associated with an incident.
- You were not under stress before the breakup and there was no such symptom.
- It would probably happen in between, when you feel better due to distraction. This happens in the adjustment disorder. But this does not happen in the Major Depressive episode.
Are you sad or in depression
Understand your emotional response
There may be a question in your mind that the situation you are going through is sad or depression. This is sad in your case, which is feeling due to breakup. However, its symptoms can sometimes be depressive. In the graphic below, see what are the symptoms of Greff i.e. sorrow and adjustment disorder.
Live – The effect of breaking of these relationships on Mental Health
Adjustment disorder (depressive type) screening test
Before proceeding, I am giving you two self -screening tools to understand my emotional state better. Below are some questions in two different screening tests. You have to rate these questions on a scale of 0 to 3. 0 means ‘absolutely no’ and 3 means ‘daily, all the time’. After giving the score to every question according to his answer, you have to check your score.
The questions are in graphic below. The interpretation of the score is also given in the graphic. First answer the questions and then check its interpretation according to your score.
Ghosting effect on mental health: screening test 2
The emotional era you are going through is the adjustment disorder or the Ghosting Grif, this is the next screening test to understand it. Both these screening tests will help you understand your emotional state and take action accordingly.
Live in relationship means in India
Your story can only be understood in the contexts of your country. Since marriage in India is not only an emotional relationship, but also a social and legal institution, women get a lot of rights and security within the marriage. But this does not happen with live -these relationships.
For example, if I talk about UK and Ireland, then 20% of couples live without marriage, while in India this figure is only 1%. Apart from this, legal rights and protection are also high here. Also, there is social acceptance of live -in and it is not a stigma.
Many social, family and legal reasons in India are more challenging. In such a situation, if these relationships break, then its results are more painful for women.
What to do if a woman is in a live -in relationship
Before giving a comprehensive self -help plan for you, I want to say another thing here and say that women should always put their economic freedom and self -reliance on the priority. Although it is also necessary in marriage, but if you are a woman and in a live -in relationship, then you must take some precautions especially.
How to recover from breakup discomfort?
Four weeks self -help plan
First week
- Prepare the entire timeline of your relationship and breakup. Write on a paper when, what happened.
- Then make a list. Write two things mainly in it. One which is your loss and the other things that you still have.
- Life does not end with the end of any relationship. Such as your intellect, your talent, your work, skill, friend, family and all the relationships you value, they are still with you.
- By writing on paper, many times it is better to understand how much we still have so much valuable.
second week
- Practice your negative thoughts with facts.
- As if I think my life is over. Tell myself that I still have a talent to work, family, friends. Whenever something bad happened in the past and it seemed that life was over, even then life was not over. I also recovered from that grief. In this way, see every negativity with the fact.
- Start any old hobby or hobby again or learn something new. Such as art, craft, painting, drama or anything else.
- Reduce the use of social media. Do not try to find or see X on social media.
third week
- Connect with your friends. Share your feelings with them, spend time with them.
- Start writing Gratitud Diary. Write about those things that are beautiful in life and for whom you are thankful.
- Practice mindfulness.
- Do some exercise daily. Regardless of normal walking or yoga.
Fourth week
- Make some new short term goals for yourself and complete them.
- Start your professional work again.
- Decide healthy boundaries for relationships in future.
conclusion
The experience you have gone through is very painful. But remember that the end of this relationship does not define you. Your life is not decided only by a relationship. It is bigger than that. You have so much strength that you can stand up again by connecting yourself and can start a new life. Take professional help if needed. Your future relationship can be more beautiful, positive and fullfilling than tomorrow.
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