Ghaziabad Bank Employee Story; Toxic family | Mental Health | Mental Health – Mother, brother -in -law I bear the expenses of everyone: no one loves me at home, they just love my government job

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Question- Does love to love yourself have to be selfish? I am 40 years old and I live in Ghaziabad with my mother and brother-in-law. My brother has no permanent secure job. He keeps doing some odd jobs here and there. I only take the financial responsibility of the house. The responsibility of all his expenses from the school fees of his brother’s son is also on me. I work in a government bank. Being grown up after Dad’s passing at the age of 20, all the responsibility of the house came on my shoulders, which I also fulfilled without complaint. The mother and brother raised all the expenses, married brother. But the family members never thought about my marriage. Even if the matter arose, I refused myself. I used to think about myself to be selfish. Mother also made me feel the same. But now it seems slowly that all except me are happy in their world. I need them only for money. I wanted to visit Nainital with my bank’s people a few days ago, but my mother did not like this. The family does not like to go anywhere other than the office. Now I feel that they control me completely. My mental health has started deteriorating. I feel tired and sad all the time. Many times the idea of ​​dying also comes. What shall I do.

Expert – Dr. Drona Sharma, Consultant Psychiatrist, Ireland, UK. Members of the UK, Irish and Gibraltar Medical Council.

answer- On analyzing your case it is clear that you are part of a toxic family dynamic, where your family members, especially your brother and mother, are very much more dependent on you, financially and emotionally. Probably also exploiting you. They are ignoring your personal needs. It also reflects the status of a co-deaultancy, where you are engaged in meeting the needs of others more than your needs.

Your symptoms, such as persistent fatigue, sadness and the idea of ​​dying, can all be signs of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). In addition, you are also seeing symptoms of burnout, which is due to excessive stress and responsibilities for a long time. Your family is a form of emotional exploitation to control your holiday and desire to go out, which is having a negative effect on your self-identity and autonomy.

First of all, I want to tell you that being selfish is a myth, which is often imposed on those who prioritize their needs rather than fulfilling the expectations of others. Thinking for yourself in your position is not selfish, but self -care and self -protection. This is very important for your physical and mental health.

Self assessment test

To understand the intensity of the problem you are going through, you have to do a self -assessment test given below. There are 10 questions in graphic below. You have to rate these questions on a scale from 0 to 4 and finally check your total score. Your total score will let you know that self -help will be enough for you or you need professional help. The interpretation of the score is also given in the graphic below. Read the questions carefully and do your assessment.

Self help plan

This is a self -help plan. This will help you to give yourself priority, take care of your mental health and make a better boundary with your family.

Self care

You need to work on yourself before starting dialogue with the family, making a boundary. There is a need to take care of yourself, take care of your happiness with your physical-mental health.

Personal Self Management Plan

1. Priority to yourself

1. Regular exercise: Take at least 30 minutes of physical activity daily. Such as running, walking or yoga. This will help improve the mood and reduce stress.

2. Healthy Eating Habit: Take healthy diet. Reduce processed food and sugar intake.

3. Enough sleep: Try to get 7-8 hours of deep sleep every night. Lack of sleep worsens mental health.

4. Hobby and interests: Spend time in activities that give you happiness. Like reading, listening to music, painting or whatever you like.

5. Mindypulsion and Meditation: These help you stay in the present and reduce negative thoughts. You can use online guides or apps.

6. Accepting your feelings: It is important to understand that your feelings are absolutely valid. It is natural to feel anger, disappointment and sadness. Write your feelings in a diary. Do not press it but express it.

7. Support Group: Create a support group of yourself. Connecting with people going through similar experiences will not make you feel alone. It can also give you a new perspective.

2. Conversation and Boundary Defense with Family

This can be the most challenging part, but is very important for your mental health.

Decide the boundary: This is the most important step. Boundaries i.e. boundary are the rules that we determine in our relationship with others.

1. Financial Boundary: Gradually plan to reduce the expenses incurred on your brother and his family. Explain clearly to what extent you can help and what you cannot do. For example, you can say, “I will not be able to pay the child’s school fees. I can only pay his tuition fees.” Initially it will be difficult to do, but it is very important to do.

2. Time Boundary: Prefer your personal time. If your mother or brother asks you to do some work, which hinders your personal work or time, then you can say, “I am busy right now, but can talk about it later” or “I don’t have time for it today.”

3. Emotional Boundary: Protect yourself from their emotional burden. If they underestimate your feelings or make you feel guilty, then immediately go away from the conversation. Do not involve what you hurt or feel wrong. Refuse to listen.

Clear and direct dialogue

1. Not you, I say: Always use the word “I” in conversation. Say your point directly. There is no charge in the language. “You do this” or “You did this”, tell me what you will do, what you felt.

An example of this is given in the graphic below. This will help you to say your point in the first person.

2. Be firm, not aggressive: Explain your needs in a clear and calm manner. There is no need to shout or argue. Say your point Even if they do not agree, be adamant on their point.

3. Do not feel gilt: You have done a lot for your family. Now it is your right to give your needs to the needs. Remember, it is not selfishness. This will make you mentally-physically better. In the future you can also help others, but on your terms.

4. Come out slowly from family control: If family members try to control you, start rejecting it slowly. When your mother refused to go to Nainital, you could say, “Mother, I understand your concern, but this is my personal journey and I want to go.” Such small steps will help you get your autonomy back.

5. Create emotional distance: If family members do not respect your limits or make you feel negative continuously, then reduce the time spent with them.

3. Get out of the burden of responsibilities

This will be a long process, but it is possible to do so.

  • Gradually reduce your responsibilities.
  • Gradually reduce financial help. For example, while meeting the basic needs, stop giving money for the first luxury needs. Start by stopping spending money on things like shopping, rolling out, feeding.
  • Start telling the brother slowly, I am unable to take your responsibilities. You have to see some permanent work for yourself.
  • Start handing them small tasks of the house, such as filling the bill or doing any household work, so that they can learn self-reliance.
  • Do your financial planning. Pay attention to your savings. This will help you to become self -sufficient.
  • Do your future planning. Think about your marriage or being alone. Prefer your needs and desires.
  • If you want to get married, start taking steps in this direction. If you want to be alone and want to enjoy your life, then plan for that too.

conclusion

Initially this change will be difficult, and your family can also oppose it. They can make you feel guilty or try to blackmail you emotionally. But you have to be strong and honest and loyal towards yourself. Your life is the most precious. Give yourself priority. The first responsibility of all of us is towards us as a human being. This is not selfishness. Always remember this. ……………….. Read this news too …

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