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Question- I am 42 years old. The last five years have been very difficult for me. My 10 -year marriage broke up because my husband had an affair with a cooling in his office. At first he kept this thing hidden from me for a long time. Then when he came to know, he left me and went away. Five years I was in the hope that perhaps one day he would return. But this did not happen. Finally we were divorced 5 months ago and with this the last hope also ended. I am a working woman. I am a financial independent, but I did not even know how dependent I am emotionally. I am not living alone at all. Looks like the ground has slipped from under my feet, my whole world has been destroyed. What should I do that I can feel normal again, I can live life again.
Expert – Dr. Drona Sharma, Consultant Psychiatrist, Ireland, UK. Members of the UK, Irish and Gibraltar Medical Council.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. What you have experienced is quite painful. Given the cheating, trauma and emotional pain you have gone through, this emotional situation is absolutely justified. If you look from a psychological perspective, this deception found in a very personal and intimate relationship has caused you emotional grief and has also damaged your self-esteem, identity and self-working.
Let us try to understand it by decoding it properly and talks about how to get out of this problem.
Psychological analysis of your case
1. Phase of mourning
You are currently passing through these 5 stages of sorrow at this time:
Dinyl or denial: For five years, you kept sitting in the hope that one day she would return. This is a case of Classic Dinyl. Until the sorrow comes on the head at all, keep hiding and refusing it.
Anger: However, you have not made it clear that your anger is towards your husband or towards that other woman or towards yourself. It can be a pressed anger, which often appears as sadness.
Bargaining or bargaining: Thinking this in my mind, “If I had done things in another way, he might not have left me.” It is common to have such feeling in relationships where there is emotional dependency.
Depression or depression: You are currently in depression. This is absolutely clear from feelings like sorrow, despair, feeling of emptiness.
Acceptance: After the final divorce, you have reached the stage to accept this truth, but still there is no peace in the mind, a hollow victory is the feeling of victory.
2. Over Emotional Dependen
You have written that you are a financial independent, but emotionally you were very much dependent on this relationship. Even if you are not realized. This means that your emotional Velbing was very much dependent on this person. You needed her presence, along with, approval.
3. Breaking of trust and realization of rejections
Finding out his affair is the breakdown of a deep trust relationship. Especially when this affair was hidden for a long time and you did not know about it. It is a serious bitraal trauma. Due to this trauma-
- Our strength to trust can be long term damage.
- A cheated person can internalize rejection or rejected. It can sit in his mind that he is insufficient, it is unacceptable, less.
4. Damage to self -estim and identity
When a person’s identity and his self-western is bound by a relationship, then these damage can be caused by the breakdown of that relationship-
Identity Confusion: Thinking that “Who am I without this relationship?”
Low self -estim: Feeling inferior. Thinking that I am not capable of love.
Self screening tool to understand yourself better
Before proceeding, I am giving you a self-screening tool to understand myself better- Emotional Recovery Status Scale (ERSS) test. There are 10 questions in this test. You have to rate these questions on a scale of 1 to 5. 1 means- not at all and 5 means always. After writing the answer to every question, you have to check your score.
The questions are in graphic below. The interpretation of the score is also given in the graphic. First answer the questions and then check its interpretation according to your score.
Four weeks self -help plan
First week: stabilization and grounding
(Stabilizing the mind, strengthening your land)
Target:
- Acceptance of sorrow
- Emotional boundaries
- Creating a daily routine structure in life.
1. Greff Jernling
Write your feelings in a diary daily. Nothing is to hide. Everything has to be expressed. As:
- What have I lost?
- What are I afraid of?
- What part is my part that wants to hold the past.
- What is the thing that is preventing me from moving forward.
2. Emotional labeling and grounding
Whenever emotionally troubled, practice this technique, which is named- “Name It to Tem It.” This means giving a word to every feeling. Many times we do not understand ourselves what we are feeling, what is that. Therefore, giving him the name helps to understand and remove him. As:
- I am angry
- I am feeling rejections.
- I feel rejected.
- I feel very lonely.
- I am sorry not to leave him, but to cheat.
- It is more bothering him than not having it that he was lying to me.
3. Sleep and Nutrition
- Decide a time of sleeping and waking up. Sleep at the same time every day. (Like night 10:30 to 6:30 in the morning)
- Do not consume caffeine after 5 o’clock in the evening.
- Eat a balanced diet. Do not skip food even if there is no hunger.
4. Stay away from things of past
- Do not check his social media.
- Stay away from everything that reminds him, such as common friends, common places where you have been going with.
- If there is any item in the house, then disorder it or pack it and keep it.
Second week: claiming yourself again, strengthening self -estim
Target: Focusing on your self -worth, understanding and making it better.
1. “Who am I?” Exercise
- Write a paragraph about yourself daily. Who I am, what to say, what is the purpose of my being. A paragraph, in which there is no mention of the passage and that person.
- You have more roles in life, such as a friend, a sister, a daughter, a professional and above all a human, a woman. Focus on all these roles.
2. Dialogue with yourself
Standing in front of the mirror every morning and say these things to yourself:
- I am capable of love.
- I am complete in myself.
- My importance is not defined by leaving me.
3. Start the old interests, hobbies
Start working again on the interests that you left behind.
Joint a book club, dance class or art group. If not possible physically, do it online.
4. Therapy reading
Read such books, watch movies, which have the story of women going through experiences like you. There is a journey to create their own life again. As-
- “Woman Hu Love to Mach” – Robin Norwood
- “The Journey from Ability to Healing”- Swelling Anderson
- Remaining journey- Usha Priyamvada
Third week: restructuring life, setting new boundaries
Target:
- Creating new emotional engagement in life
- New relationship, new friends, new land
- Define yourself afresh
1. Social Recipes
Connect two old friends or relatives you trust.
Share your experiences. Do not isolate yourself.
2. Creating a new daily daily rich
- I will walk the morning walk while listening to music daily.
- I will write a diary with a cup of tea every evening.
3. Practice of making boundary
- Decide 5 boundaries for future relationships.
- What are the things you will not accept. Such as emotional neglect, compromise with self -respect.
4. Practice of Mindy Fullness
Do 10 minutes of meditation daily. Practice the old things to leave, let go and live in the present.
Fourth week: Relying again, move towards a new beginning
Target: Believe again, not only on others but also on themselves.
1. Sorry
- It is necessary to forgive them for the suffering from others. Not for them, but for themselves. To free yourself from that grief.
- Letter writing technique- Write everything in your mind in a letter. The letter that is not to be sent.
2. Inner child healing
- Hail your inner child. Talk to him, give him comfort.
- Repeat words with love, trust and security. Talk to yourself in the language of love and trust.
3. Preparation for second relationship: Basic checklist
Are you ready for another relationship? Ask yourself this question to know this:
- Are I really looking for a companies or I want his emotional replacement.
- Can I feel emotionally stable even while being alone?
4. Dating MintSet Reframe
- If you start dating again, do not do it due to restlessness, loneliness, sorrow.
- So do not do it because you are not tolerated.
- The mind is stable, there is peace inside, only then do it. Step with curiosity.
- Start with small meetings, coffee, conversation.
3 steps to move forward in life
Relationships are beautiful and essential in life, but no relationship is greater than our life and it does not determine the importance of our being. Relationships are because we are. So we are the center of everything and most important we are ourselves. These are 3 important steps to overcome sorrow and deception and move forward in life, which should always be remembered –
When is the professional help necessary
It takes some time to recover from an emotional pen, but usually it becomes normal in some time with a little mindfulness and self -help. But we should know when the situation is getting out of our control and we need a professional help.
conclusion
You have passed through these five years and are now talking about it. You have already introduced a lot of courage. Healing does not mean that we forget what happened. Healing means to create yourself afresh. Rising above all suffering and creating a new version of you. Being happy again and living openly. ,
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