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Question: I am 26 years old. Me and my boyfriend have been in a relationship for 2 years. We are a research scholar at Delhi University. We met at a fest in the last year of Masters. Everything was very good in our relationship. It was very caring, but now it seems as if his interest has reduced. He does not have excitement in going on a date or talking on the phone. But if I try to end the relationship, he says that he does not want to lose me. Is there a lack of love in our relationship or is it only a phase? Is he cheating me somewhere? What should I do?
Expert: Dr. Jaya Sukul, Clinical Psychologist, Noida
answer: Everything seems magical at the beginning of relationships. Love, care, excitement is everything at its peak. But as time passes, everything becomes normal. Hearing your story, it seems that you are going through a period where the behavior of the boyfriend has changed. He is not the same caring as before, there is no enthusiasm in things, but still he does not want to lose you. In such a situation, it is natural to raise questions in the mind. Is it a lack of love, a phase or cheating? Thousands of young couples, especially in university life, go through such a situation.
We will consider your questions as step by step. First of all we will remember the point from which the change started, then we will see the events around it. We will check the conditions going on in his life, talk on both professional and personal life. If all is well then is he with someone else? We will find clue and talk on solution.
When did this change start?
First of all, remember which point was such when you started notice in his behavior. Changes in the relationship do not suddenly come; They occur slowly, but we notice them later. Did it start after the last year of your masters, when the responsibilities of research increased? Or there was a specific phenomenon. Such as a quarrel, family pressure, or after the university fest? It is necessary to identify this point because it will give you a clear picture as to where the root of the problem is.
Clarity will come from writing
If you write all these things in a diary or page, then things will be more clear. Suppose as an example, earlier your boyfriend used to call every evening, but now he makes excuses. Did it begin when the deadline of his research project came close? Or when he started meeting new friends? Such memories will give you clarity. If you keep the diary, check old notes. This will let you know if it is a temporary phase or something deep.
Understand the conditions and events around him
Now look at the situation and events around him. This will give more clarity. Relationships are affected by the outside world. Was there a big change at that time? For example, a new semester at the university, family issues, or a new group of friends. Delhi University’s life is busy. Research, seminars, social events. Perhaps he has got entangled in them. But if these incidents are normal, then imagine whether there is a hidden thing.
Find no valid clue
For example, if he was excited on the first date, but now he does not show any excitement, then many things have to be noticed. See if he joined a new group at that time? Check her posts on social media. Is he spending more time with friends? These clues will tell you whether the changes are due to external reasons or internal reasons. If everything seems normal, then there is a need to think deeply.
Is everything well in his life?
Is everything going well in your boyfriend’s life? Is his professional life going well? Is everything fine in his personal life? It is necessary to ask this question because many times the lack of interest comes from stress and not deception. Research scholar’s life is difficult, thesis, presentation, funding issues. If he has a problem in professional life, such as a deadline miss or a quarrel with a guide, he can be distracted. See also in personal life, family, health or financial problem.
Sit somewhere and talk
If he says everything is fine, but behavior has changed, then it is alert. If he used to share his problems earlier, but he does not do now, he is probably getting away. But if there is stress, it can be just a phase. Be supportive, ask him whether something is bothering? This will strengthen the relationship.
If all is well then is he with someone else?
If all this is fine then it is possible that he is with someone else. It is difficult to hear, but reality checks are necessary. Lowering interest in the relationship is sometimes due to new attraction. New people meet at the university campus, classmates, fest participants. If he does not want to lose you, but does not show the care, it can be confused.
Is the partner giving the necessary effort?
It is also possible that this love had never reached this place for your partner, as far as you thought or felt it. For that it can be an excitement of the early days, not deep love. After 2 years, the relationship turns into a routine. If he does not want to lose you, but does not put an effort, he may have gone to the comfort zone. If he is truly in love, he will admit his mistake and improve it.
These are important filters to understand the truth of love
- Was there just an excitement or ever commitment?
- Ever a future planning or family introduction?
- Did you not do much in a relationship?
- Does the partner also enter the relationship?
Ways to deal with this situation
Now the question is how to get out of it. Here are some work tips-
- Talk to yourself: Write your feelings in the diary. This will bring a clearness to understand the emotions.
- Open communication necessary: Talk openly with a calm mind. Do not accuse, share your feelings.
- Decide the limits: Tell what you want, more time, care.
- Self-care required: Give yourself priority in university life. Exercise, adopt your hobbies.
- Take professional help: If there are more douts, then meet the counselor for this.
- Take the decision: If there is no improvement, then the end of the relationship can be considered.
Is this just a phase or lack of love?
Time is not all right, but efforts. If there is more stress in the partner’s life, then it can be just a phase. This means that he needs more support at this time. On the other hand, if there are signs of deception, then find out its clue. Take professional help if necessary.
Faith and effort in love is essential
Relationships go through ups and downs, but true love avoids effort. Listen to the sound inside you, follow the clues, and move forward if necessary. You are young, there are many opportunities in life. Trust yourself and be happy. If needed, take counseling, it is not weakness.
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