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Question: I was in an abusive relationship before meeting my current partner. My current partner is Kind and sensible, but I find it difficult to rely completely on him. I often have an anxiety and when he tries to get closer, I push him away. There is a lot of presence in it, but this behavior is affecting him. What should I do to overcome my past and how to make a healthy relationship with it? Should I take professional help or will it be cured over time?
Expert: Aditi Saxena, Counseling Psychologist, Bhopal
answer: It is not easy for anyone to go through an abusive relationship. Whether it is emotional exploitation, mental stress or physical loss, such experiences leave deep marks on our mind. These marks can be so deep that when we step into a new relationship, it seems difficult to trust our kind and loving partner. If you are also going through this situation, where your heart wants you to be happy with your new partner, but your brain repeatedly pushes you to fear and suspicion, then this article is for you.
We will talk about the challenges that come before you, we will understand the reason behind them, and then you will know some easy and effective ways that you can strengthen your new relationship. Also, we will also see how your partners can help you in this, and what is the role of time and professional help. So let’s start this journey together.
What does it bother?
When you get out of a derogatory relationship and get into a new relationship, some problems come in front of you again and again. These are the difficulties that affect your relationship. Let us understand them:
Lack of trust: Suppose you have gone out with your partner. They do something special for you, but a question arises in your mind- is it really for me or is it just a show? You want to check their phone, although you know it is wrong. This is because your trust in your previous relationship is broken again and again.
Anxiety and fear: If your partner takes a while to message you, then your heart starts beating fast. Are they angry with me? Are they hiding anything from me? This fear is the result of your previous experiences, which keeps you alert every moment.
Emotional distance: To protect your heart from breaking down again, you try to stay a little away from your partner. You do not tell them your mind, and gradually an emptiness comes in the relationship.
Effect on partner: These problems of yours not only affect you, but also your partner. They try that you like it, but when you make distance from them, they think they are probably doing something wrong. This can make them feel sad or helpless.
What are the reasons behind these challenges?
To understand these problems, we have to look at their causes. These are the reasons that affect your mind:
Understand this in a little detail-
- The pain you have suffered in the derogatory relationship, it has alerted your mind. Every moment you think that the same should not happen again. It is a kind of security shield, which forces you to doubt even in the new relationship.
- Previous experiences have made some misconceptions in your mind, such as “no one can love me true” or “Everyone cheats in the end”. These ideas weaken your new relationship.
- In the derogatory relationship you must have been shown down again and again. This makes you feel that you do not deserve love or respect. That is why you are not able to believe the goodness of your partner.
- To protect your heart from injury, you inadvertently distance your partner. This distance finds you safe, but it can crack in your relationship.
How to get out of this barely?
Now the question is what you can do to deal with these challenges and strengthen your new relationship. Here are some easy and effective remedies:
Understand and accept your past
First of all, assume that your previous experiences have impressed you. Think that your concern or doubt is not the fault of your partner, but the effect of your past. Write your feelings in a diary or share it closely- it will lighten your mind.
open you
Talk honestly to your partner about your feelings. Tell them, “I am having trouble trusting you, but it is because of my old relationship.” With this they will be able to help you.
Take professional help
If you feel that the burden of the past is very heavy, then meet a counselor or therapist. They will help you to come out of your fear and negative thinking and create confidence.
Take care of yourself
Give yourself time and do things that give you happiness. Do yoga, go on a morning walk, or adopt any hobby of your choice, like painting or song. This will give peace to your mind.
Create trust slowly
Take small steps. For example, give your partner a small responsibility and see how they play it. Every positive experience will increase your trust.
Decide limits
Clear with your partner how much time and how much freedom you want. This will reduce misconceptions between you.
Take help from your loved ones
Talk to friends and family. They will give you courage and will not let you feel lonely.
Be patient
This process is slow. Softened with yourself and your partner. Celebrate every small win.
Suggestions for your partner
With your partner, this journey can make it easier. Here are some suggestions for him-
Be patient: Ask them not to understand your situation and not to hurry.
open you: They also share their feelings so that both of you get closer.
Show sympathy: Tell them that your distance is not their fault, but the result of your past.
Honor boundaries: If you want time alone, they understand it.
Will all the time be fixed?
It is said that time heals every wound, but the truth is that just time is not enough. You have to work on your pain. If you ignore it, it can weaken your relationship further. Professional help such as therapy, there may be a better way for you, especially if your concern is affecting your everyday life.
Trust is solved this problem
It is not easy to build confidence in a new relationship by coming out of the derogatory relationship, but it is not impossible either. Accept your past, talk openly with your partner, and seek help when needed. Take small steps and be patient. You are not alone, thousands of people have gone through this path and have formed a happy relationship. You can do this too. Just trust yourself and move forward.
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